To Squash or Not. That is the Question

To those of you who read Sunday’s review and came here expecting a guest post from Ken K, I apologize. There was a mixup in communications from me to his PR rep and then to him, and the post never came to me. Perhaps he will send it another time. Still I’m sure you’ll enjoy this offering from our semi-regular Wednesday’s Guest, Slim Randles. 

I don’t think he likes squash. 🙂 But some of us do, especially acorn squash sprinkled with brown sugar and holding a puddle of butter in the center.

If you’re like me and enjoy squash, help yourself.

Squash. Just listen to that word one more time. Squash … one of the English language’s most painful words, along with maim and trauma and rend and okra and Liberace. Why would anyone want to eat something that sounds as though someone sat on it?

The bottom-line truth is, cooks all over the place love a challenge, and they have tried valiantly to turn squash into an edible dish. To do this, they take one tenth of a portion of squash, boil as much of the squashiness as they can out of it, then immerse it in nine-tenths something that tastes good and hope no one will notice. You know, stuff like chile, mutton, edible vegetables, nuclear waste, cottonwood bark, bourbon, and even chocolate. Then, when you can’t taste the squash in it, and most of the slime has settled to the bottom, they smile and say, “How do you like my ‘Squash Canneloni ala Hershey con Brio?”

Let’s face it; squash is an unwanted growth on an otherwise perfectly good vine. It starts with a pretty little blossom that inspires Navajo jewelry and attracts bees. Then it begins its insidious malignancy into something that should probably be surgically removed.

“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” says the surgeon, “your squash is in an area that is impossible to reach without endangering the life of the vine. Your vine is pretty much doomed to produce something that – when cooked properly – will still gag a sick dog off a gut truck.”

They even try to fool people who might consider buying squash into thinking it tastes like something else. Something like butter. Or acorns. Or crooked necks. Makes you wonder what crime against mankind Mr. Zucchini committed to be forever more squash-damned in the history books.

But it’s fall now. Autumn … that time of year when children play in the lazy sunshine and squash vines go belly up. And when we enjoy our pumpkin pie and jack o’lanterns, we’ll smile quietly, knowing we’ll once again be squash free for a few blessed months.

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Brought to you by Merrick Pet Care  in Hereford, Texas. “We know it’s not just food in that bowl, it’s love. And that’s why it has to be the best.”

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Check out all of Slim’s award-winning books at www.slimrandles.com, and in better bookstores and bunkhouses throughout the free world.

All of the posts here are from his syndicated column, Home Country that is read in hundreds of newspapers across the country. I am always happy to have him share his wit and wisdom here.

Slim Randles is a veteran newspaperman, hunting guide, cowboy and dog musher. He was a feature writer and columnist for The Anchorage Daily News for 10 years and guided hunters in the Alaska Range and the Talkeetna Mountains. A resident of New Mexico now for more than 30 years, Randles is the prize-winning author of a dozen books, and is host of two podcasts and a television program.